I found myself a little sentimental tonight, remembering Emmy's first day of Montessori when she was 3 years old. Callie was 1. Thomas and Elin were somewhere in the stars. I remember what Emmy wore, a Gymboree outfit with Hawaiian print pants, an orange color shirt, white sandals. I remember my anxiety and excitement of her first day. I stumbled upon this blog because I went looking for pictures of her first day of school. It was 2005, the time between print film and digital photos. They exist somewhere on a CD, or hard drive, hopefully in a box I'll find and be able to access one day when I'm maybe old and alone with lots of time on my hands. Hopefully that day I'll have someone who can retro whatever device I have so I can actually view the pictures as there are no CD things on computers anymore.
Tonight I prepared for Elin's first day at Montessori. Her clothes were carefully selected and laid out. I made muffins for the morning for her. She has cute shoes and a matching hair bow. I've planned the morning. I wanted to orchestrate Emmy, Callie and Thomas being there for drop off, so I could take first day of school pictures in front of the Montessori in Redlands sign much like I did for them when they had their first days. Thomas will be in school, his drop off is 8:30. Emmy, luckily, is on break from her 3rd grade teaching job and she has the week off. She's moved back her plans for her vacation so she can be there for Elin's first day of Montessori. Callie is at college at University of Redlands, so busy with classes and running various clubs, she may make it or not.
I searched this blog for pictures of Emmy's first day that I remember clearly in parts. I wanted the photos to jog my memory on the rest of the day, my feelings around it, pictures of little Callie, etc. I didn't find them, but I got temporarily lost in posts of the girls' birthdays, where I described their personalities- Emmy organizing people or things, big dreams she executes, her making everyone feel alive and joyous. Callie being sensitive, quiet, purposeful, intuitive, hardworking. I wrote these words when they were 8 and 6 years old. I'd still write the same thing about each of them today. Spot on. Which is crazy, and it made me think these traits I perceive Elin as having, undoubtedly, as she grows, she will keep them. What is she? Who is she? She is sweet, stubborn, very attached to me. She is somewhat shy, not willing to do what others want of her, but she knows what she wants and what she doesn't want, and it's particularly hard to change her mind about things. She is talkative, she melts me completely, which is why she almost always gets her way. I tell Rob I like to negotiate with her, to teach her that if she fights for what she wants, a lot of times she'll win. And although I say this to him because it makes me feel like I'm a better parent, giving in for the bigger purpose, I am really just a sucker for her. And she's a great negotiator, really.
Maybe I'll stop in here from time to time and keep this alive, drop a few pictures, so one day, in another 19 years, I'll stumble upon this and take a trip down memory lane. I am right now walking on a beautiful path of motherhood. Sad at times because I long for the days with Emmy, Callie and Thomas were always with me, when my life was so noisy and busy, but also so thankful that I have them there, and that I get to take another adjacent, continuing journey with my sweet Elin. A little quieter, a little more thoughtful. More blessed with less stress now, more resources, more help from my partner and my older babies. It's beautiful. Bittersweet, but beautiful.
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